Dating with a bag: possible or not?

Hey JojoOsto; yh, that really helped. Thanks for sharing. Maybe you should hit me up. I want to ask about your surgeries you had.

Hi, I went on Plenty of Fish and here is what I tried. I put in my profile that I had an ostomy. I received 26 emails from women looking to correspond. Most of them were in my general age range (58). Some of them said that they were familiar with an ostomy, having friends or relatives that had one. Some were nurses and were very familiar with an ostomy. I waited a month and rewrote my profile and left out the part about having an ostomy. I then received 41 emails. When I wrote back and explained that I had an ostomy, all but 3 were never heard from again. My conclusion was that I should be honest up front.

Hello Pammer,

It is very possible to date with a bag. I had met a man 4 years ago when I had an ileostomy. He stuck through it all with me and was very understanding of the condition I was in. He told me it didn't matter, it was the person that counted inside. As of today, we have been married over 2 years now. Plus, I had a reversal and he stood by me and took care of me for 3 months and helped with my care...so there are good men out there who are willing to date even a person with an ileostomy... God bless

Cherylem

I am giving up on this group pretty much myself. I do not understand why you cannot post an email if you are an adult. In any case, I am depressed and looking at another surgery soon that I fear will have a negative outcome for reasons I cannot get into. In any case, at 69, there are not too many outgoing people my age, period, let alone an ileostomate. No, I do not dance, and I am not Diamond Jim. Just looking for a kind ear and a smile. I cannot find any of my first two advice postings. I guess that my advice learned from experience is too different in some instances. For instance, I use a small binder clip to reinforce my Velcro closure.

Hello Latke. I found your other three posts and they were informative. I can definitely see the teacher coming out in you. :) But I do not have the same thing you do, so there wasn't much reason for me to reply or confirm anything. I don't know how long you've been here, but if you click on Main Menu, it brings up your profile page and if you keep scrolling down, it shows all your posts. Also, at the very top, there is a title called Notifications; if you click on that, it will show everyone that has responded to any topics you posted in. Just in case you haven't figured all that out already.

As for the dating aspect of this forum, it's been a (heatedly at times) debated topic for some time.

As for the email. Most sites you join (especially if they are asking for money to belong) don't want you publicly entering your address because it kinda defeats the purpose of the site. Plus, really, you shouldn't want to publicize it. But if someone sends you a private message or you can send private messages, you can put it there without a problem.

This stoma crap is just that to me. But I am learning to live with it. Depression, anger, all those wonderful feelings come along with it. I agree, the cure isn't necessarily a cure. It just seems you're trading evil for evil.

I hope your upcoming surgeries give you some relief and not too much more distress. But I'm afraid I have a pessimistic attitude about all the "fixes" myself. So I am not one that can cheer you up about anything.

Hi latke, I haven't been online for months because of illness but I would urge you not to give up on the group as the group won't give up on you. It's tough, and it's not fair, and if everything was equal, we would all live in lovely homes with manicured gardens and have a full bank account. But sadly, as you know, life's not fair. I haven't seen your other posts as I haven't been here, but really, that's irrelevant.

I don't know you, and I don't know all your medical conditions, but sometimes I feel as if there is a celestial bucket of shit that is just ready to be poured on me. I do have times I want to give up, but then I see the children who have cancer and other serious problems, and they make adults look like they are the child. They cope, and I feel ashamed.

I am very blunt, but sorry to say, time now is precious, and I try to get to the point quickly.

I hope you find the answers you need and the comfort you deserve. Lorraine

Lorraine... I just love you! You are soooo ;!

Hi there, yes absolutely! I have had an ostomy for 6 years, first a colostomy, then ileostomy after more surgery - now I've lost my rectum too. I was married when I had the first, he was good about it all, but our relationship didn't work out due to his abusiveness for other reasons. I left him, and went out with a guy who knew I had been unwell. We hit it off very well, I told him about the stoma, but it didn't deter him at all and had a great relationship. I since ended it, as he enjoyed walking miles as a hobby, whereas I have joint issues due to my Crohn's and I found I couldn't be as active, so I let him go. I'm now engaged to another lovely guy who also has no issues at all about it.

The right person will love you for who you are and what you have, but first you need to accept it yourself. For me, it was a life or death situation, and I'd rather be alive. A stoma can be your friend, after all, it's much cleaner than not getting to the loo on time - I've named mine too, it was 'Henry' when I had a colostomy (Henry the hoover sucks, mine blows lol) now I have an ileostomy I call it Henrietta - it helps to come to terms with it. Plus, I've put smiley faces on it at times.

Of course, we all get those days when we don't cope, but as time goes by, we find we accept it more, and if we do then non-ostomates find it easier too. It's not your whole life, it's only part of you, so don't let it stop you dating, as it won't bother the right person xx

Hi all... :)

Is it just me or.. as you get older with an ostomy.. do you think more about maybe hoping to find someone else that has an ostomy too?

Let's face it, dating is hard enough.. but.. maybe some of us are missing the boat by saying it doesn't matter.. maybe it does.

I understand that you don't want that to be the thing that binds you to someone but.. I don't know.. this thought has been on my mind lately..

Thoughts please!!

Well, JJ, I have shared many thoughts on this subject before, so I'll try to make this short and sweet. Dating sucks, big time! As far as limiting ourselves to ostomates, the only advantage to that is we won't have to explain this wonderful bag on our belly. Other than that, there is still all the doubts and wonderments of first meeting, then getting to know and trusting someone enough with our inner secrets to even consider going to the next steps. The older we get the less important it is that we play all the games that go along with the dating scene. Take me for what I am or don't take me at all. That's pretty much how I feel. I've gone through too much in my life (not just talking about this cancer and this stupid surgery I was told I had to have to stay alive) to play dating games. Trust me, I can still play them, I simply don't want to. I don't think anyone here is saying they are looking for someone that doesn't have an ostomy. They are just looking for someone that gets them. The only thing that will come of finding someone on this site that has an ostomy is that you won't have to worry about explaining it. Otherwise, you still have all the anxiety that comes with a new relationship and wondering if it will last and if they will take you for who you are. Hugs. Z

Dating is hard. Living with this is hard. My condition left me with nerve and muscle damage after it was under control. My favorite thing is having a conversation only to be interrupted by a squelchy bag-fart. I enjoy the 'pop-pop-fizzle' ones even more. The hardest thing to deal with is all the friends who I thought were friends dumped me like a piece of garbage. They didn't even visit me in the hospital. I was crushed.

Hi Dweide, I wanted to quickly respond to your post regarding the stoma noise and friends not visiting while in the hospital. I completely understand how disappointing it is when you think you have a good friend or friends and they let you down. I had a friend, had it the key word, for over 20 years. She was so absorbed in her life that she forgot to ask about mine when I was sick. Yes, I did receive a few phone calls and cards but all she wanted to do is talk about her problems, aches and pains. And, I was the one getting a stoma. Eventually, I had had enough and told her how selfish she was and is. I refer to these types of people as vampires...they suck the life out of you and disappear until the next recharge. The friendship cooled and I was fine with it. Anyway, two years later, she had some medical issues. I continued to talk to her from time to time, but I did not go out of my way. You get what you give...I made some phone calls and sent her some "get well" cards like she did for me. I am dealing with my own medical stuff so I need to help me first. As for the pouch music, my pouch grumbles especially when I am starving and I gulp down a meal which is often. I know I should be eating throughout the day but the less I eat during the day, the less I need to worry about my ileostomy. Not a balanced lifestyle but it works for now. One time, with clients, it let loose, popping and sputtering - I brushed it off and said my belly was growling for food. Because I am always hungry, no one thought twice. Good luck to you and know that we are all here to help and support one another. I totally enjoy reading the posts as they give me encouragement and great advice. Take care and have a nice weekend. LH

Having an ostomy might increase our difficulties in finding someone. But as in any activity in life, confidence is paramount.

In our society, bathroom needs are kept private. Talking about stool and bowel movements can be awkward or uncomfortable. This is often true for a person with an ileostomy. But while you learn how to deal with the changes that have been made, you may need help and advice. A good sense of humor and common sense are needed when changes in body function take place. Be confident. You can learn the new system. Before long, you again will be in control.

Copied from:

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/physicalsideeffects/ostomies/ileostomyguide/ileostomy-guide-toc

Maybe because I grew up in a different society, I am not as bothered by having a stoma, or maybe just being full of myself might be the reason.

In any case, at least once a week, I get asked to add these 25-30-year-old gorgeous women to my list of friends.

Ed

I appreciate it. :)

D! I didn't realize you were from Michigan too! That's great!!

I am sad that your friends are like that. My family and friends have always been really supportive. Guess those people just were not worth your time.

Hope you find some great friends along the way here!

You Dutch boys do have a different view on life, I have to admit. But I think being full of yourself has a lot to do with it, Ed. And quit bragging!

Remember one thing, gentlemen; there is a huge difference between confidence and arrogance. I don't know any woman that likes the latter.

I'll have to learn the difference as soon as I grow up. As for the 25-30 year old, they tend to be from Ghana or Nigeria, and when you check for their profile, empty. Oh well, such is life.

Signed: Arrogant s.o.b.

Poor, poor baby. My heart is aching for you. And you're not arrogant, you simply have no sense of modesty and I can't think of one time you've displayed any type of insecurity. You're an anonymous anomaly! 

Dating....You do not share with someone you're dating that you are wearing a pouch...Second, it takes a long time to build a relationship...should you tell the person? No.....When...Once you have won their heart...and the person gets to know you, not your pouch...When a man cares for you, it would not bother him....Why? Because you have won his heart....

If and when you want to be intimate with the person...do something creative such as wearing something that does not show your whole body...This is where you make your mistake...I have learned to hide my pouch...wearing a large band-aid....wear something sexy over my waist cincher, wide elastic corset, etc.

The person would never, ever know....If this person cares for you....Don't give up the goodies so fast...Win the heart.....Give the person or show the person that you are a great lover...and that person will keep coming back...Men like mystery...Stop worrying about when to tell them....Just stop...If this person is the one...They will stay...If this person leaves...They just wanted the sex...Wake up....You can have fun...with wearing the pouch...Keep yourself clean...Take a bath every day...Smell nice.....Prepare yourself the day before by cleaning your bowels out....watch what you are eating before it's time to be intimate.... Stop worrying and become creative....Set the mood! Enjoy

Hiya, I live in a similar situation and to this day he has never seen my ileostomy. I have so much paranoia I turn the lights out. People deal with bad situations the best they can and as I found out that no preparation for this can be done until it happens and also unless you have been through this operation/life changing experience you can try to understand but the truth is.... They can't. Time will tell and talking openly can help. Sorry I've not been much help but just to say you're not alone in this situation x

I think the more you worry in the bedroom, the more you're going to fail... just relax and let nature take its course haha!

And that Liam says it all.

I feel that it is best to tell up front, that way you don't have to waste your money paying for dinner.
I found that since I didn't feel the need to make a big deal about it then nobody else does either.

Of course, the downside is that since I didn't think it is a big deal, my kids don't give me any leeway or additional consideration because I have an ostomy.

Sniff....

Ed

I'll be honest, I've never had any issues getting the female attention after telling them.. well, I don't think so anyway :/ Most just say "not a problem". It could be the older generation who moan too much about it, haha!

Hi, today's my first time I have been on here. Lost my wife 2 months ago. In 2014, diagnosed with colon cancer. Had the usual: chemo, etc. Reconnection failed. Almost died. Now have the bag.

I'm sorry about the loss of your wife, ssheid.

Hi panhead511,

I really liked what you said about the breakup of your marriage and our tendency to think only about how we feel and not what it is like for our mates. How true. I think that if someone can't handle the situation, it would be better for both to end it even if it is painful, etc. If people are honest and get on with life, it's often better for both parties. This is obviously much more complicated when there are kids involved, especially young kids. Thanks for your thoughts... Heinrich

You know, if someone runs away when you tell them about your bag, they aren't worth dating in the first place. Keep trying, I am sure God will provide you with the perfect person! Good luck!!

Would anyone go on a dating site?

In the past 18 months, my circumstances have massively changed. I've left a job I hate, made new friends, and joined a new band. I felt like I couldn't meet people or go on dates. I was almost resigned to being single all my life, but since I made the changes, I've noticed how confident I've become. I've been going out with a beautiful woman for about a month now, and she knows all about my ostomy, etc. I never thought it would be possible, but I suppose what I'm saying is, things change in an instant. If there are other aspects of your life you can improve, you radiate good vibes and people pick up on it! Good luck!

It's hard but there is love out there for everyone. I was married and was diagnosed, and my husband divorced me, took all my money, and sent the divorce papers. He also stopped helping me financially and wouldn't even help with the kids. I had a friend for over 10 years who always expressed interest. I was in a coma, had my whole stomach removed, had grafting done. So not only do I have a bag, I have my stomach. I have had over 15 surgeries and I got married again last year, so it can work. You can find love. Trust me, if I show you how I got all these scars, you would believe in love.