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"a Year In The Life"

Posted by blueonthetyne

hi all,

i dont post as much on here as i used to and thats cause i dont feel i need to and thats because IM WELL, yes i wanna screem it fron the rooftops IM WELL.

ive been looking over my blogs from the past few years and its very interesting the stages ive gone through, learning all the way both  taking and giving support.

last october when i lost barbara i came here, nothing to do with ostomy but i came here. i came here because at that  time i wanted to be amongst friends and i soon found out i was.

if there are any new ostomates reading this blog as their first one then "come on in, pull up a chair and sit by the fire"this is where you will find folk to be alongside you in your saddest and happiest of days (and nights).

before i go any further with my "a year in the life of blueonthetyne" i wanna tell a little joke


well the punch line is


im not gonna go day by day but i wanna touch on something that ive often read about on here but i guess it never really affected me, intimacy and the ostomate.

after the dust had settled last year  i got throught christmas and felt very lost and on my own, maybe thats cause what i was.

many of my friends male and female are on the good old dating websites and i did post a blog with my first experience, it was all a laugh and i filed it under "life experience".

publishing this experience in a blog saying that i was gonna stick to coffee dates led to a lady from this site contacting me suggesting that i have a coffee date with her.

well before you all go getting ahead of yourslves, that day in feb i made what i hope is a lifelong friend, i know she will blush if she reads this ha ha but i also know that she knows i mean it, every month we meet to discuss all things ostomy but never do, we have dinner, laugh, joke have a beer then look forward to the next time, its what ostomates do.

after selling the family home and moving into a cosy little flat i was starting to move on and thinking a bit more about me, something id not done for quite a while.

i still cried every day at that point and there still arnt many days that i dont and i was starting to think about all those

"who would want me"

blogs i had read before.

ill move forward to march and i joined the internet dating game again.

i had decided my plan would be i would only tell them about the way i past my waste if they told me how they past theirs, can you imagine,

"hi my name is sharon, nice to meet you phil, i shyte twice a day and like my coffee black"

its never gonna happen so i was on safe groung there.

my first friday night on the site, a very well known one involving fish and alot of them i sat here at my lap top, wow......a long list of potential ladys all there as matches.

i sat there all evening chatting to a lady nearby about anything and everything then she says

"i feel i have to tell you something"

wow i thought

"ive had breast cancer and ive had a reconstruction, are you ok with this".

well i thought how wierd, here we are worried about our "thing"and sometimes we forget that others have their own stuff going on.anyway i thought right here we go,

"ahhh thats very sad but i guess your well now, by the way ive had my bowel removed and i have a bag"

never heard from her again ha ha, maybe i had a lucky escape.

that experience led me to think again about everything, being single,the bag,dating and shallow people.

since then ive had a short relationship with a nice lady, no bother with the ostomy but not the real thing in the heart, its a learnng curve.

"its whats in the heart what matters, not whats in the bag"

one thing i think i did find in that expeerience, when people are close in that way they can be over caring, its something barbara used to pick on when she was poorly,we want someone to make love to us not to be gentle and care for us, i know im good company here with a staement like that.

well ive said enough for now, im done for the night,

its nice to be back here


See all blogs by blueonthetyne
Angelicamarie : Good post Blue, quite interesting,good luck!!! Angelicamarie
Bill : Hello Phil. Great to hear from you again. What a fantastic post and thanks for sharing. When I was young and intensely in love with my then girlfriend, as one tends to be at that age(16-20). She tragically died of cancer and I thought I would never be able to love anyone again. I was youth-worker at that time and it was relatively easy for me to lose myself entirely in my work as a distraction from the hurt that was going on inside. One of the volunteers at one of my youth clubs was wanting to date with me and I told her straight - that I was grieving and was such an emotional mess I did not think I could ever love anyone else. She simply said she understood how I felt and did not mind if I couldn't love her but that should not stop us being good friends. The story is that we did become very good friends and despite the lack of that intense emotional love, we got married and have lived together for over fifty years. During that time I have often reflected on the two relationships and have come to understand that there are different kinds of 'love'. I could no longer 'trust' in the emotional kind because people seem to leave and it is painful. This other sort of love has to be worked at and, if successful, steadily grows over time until it becomes a bond that truly makes two people feel as if they are one unit. (In sickness and in health) If I had not put aside my grief in those early days and gone for the friendship, I would not have had the experience of that alternative relationship and possibly would have worked myself to death to overcome a grief that would not go away - no matter how hard I tried. My own mantra has changed therefore, from the emotional to the logical and I now think that being a good match in other ways can be very rewarding without the intense emotions that others might seek in a relationship. Best wishes Bill
blueonthetyne : Great post bill and lots of common sense as always. I’ve just read mine back and I did wander from the point a little. I think what I was trying to put over is my experience of meeting new people with or without a ostomy. I do think it can be as easy or difficult as we wanna make it, if we make ourselves out to be disabled then folk are gonna treat us disabled.
blueonthetyne : further to that the lady from this site who has become my dear friend has her own man,i just use this as a example of how when we are with someone who we don't have explain how it all works then we don't feel disabled, when we start telling folk about our unique situation then straight away feelings can change. I remember when Barbara lost her hair the first time, there was no physical pain but it completely changed her appearance and she got tret different,she hated it. in her words "ive turned into the woman with cancer overnight yet I had the cancer before my hair fell out"
Bill : Of course, both you and Barbara are absolutely right in that so many people make assumptions instantaneously based upon what they physically see and are emotionally affected by, rather than observing in other ways and coming to a reasoned, logical conclusion, rather than an emotional and illogical one. I have spent most of my working life with people who have problems of one sort or another and it is interesting how those with problems that are visually apparent are well aware of people's reactions to them and they wish that people would be more sensitive and look a bit deeper to find out who they really are behind the facade of the external shell. Those with hidden problems such as mental illness, wish that people would be more insightful into the inner problems they live with daily and not just view them by what they see on the outside. The problem seems to be that humans are basically just like any other animal and (in new encounters)largely act on their instincts. Visual clues are dominant when informing them what they perceive and how they should react. There are few people who have matured to the stage where they realise that instincts are not always accurate or reliable and look for alternative clues as to what is behind the visual image. Interestingly, women's hair (or lack of it) is a classic example. My mother was completely bald for all of my life but in our view, she did not change when she took her wig off in the home. However, she would never be seen in public without it because she was aware of the reaction it would invariably provoke from those who do not think about what they see before they react. Best wishes Bill
MarVee : Hi Blue, This is the most inspirational post I've found here. It were as if you read my mind. Please keep these posts coming because you made my day. Maria
almelia : Well Blue.... I know it has been a bumpy year for you... it takes a lot to make me blush but I'm looking forward to our coffee update on Thursday! I'm not a blogger as such but thought I would share one of my anecdotes with the rest of the team on here (Blue has heard this one!) I found myself after a rather tipsy night out catching up with an old flame... we were both too tiddly and nothing naughty was going to happen but he wrapped his arm around me and his hand landed neatly on target. I could only manage "ah.. that's a new feature since we last met" Sometimes perhaps it's best not to overthink these things!