Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don't
The last four months or so have been a roller coaster for me. Basically right before Christmas my wife and I called it quits. There are lots of reasons and I have my view of things (like for instance I've been fighring a debilitating slew of diseases for the past 10+ years...) and she has her views. Don't really need to get into them, I'm sure many of you have been there too with spouses who don't/can't/won't walk a mile in your shoes so you know where this goes. Anyway we agreed to play nice for Christmas and also a Spring Break trip we'd planed and paid for and for the most part we did. We also agreed to counseling which we have been going to. But in the end I am getting the impression that there is no win or lose here, just two people with vastly different views on things these days.
I've been quite sick with a nasty cold for about a month now (had it in Hawaii over spring break...fun) that really took me down this week and have missed a full week of work. I'm not ever someone that would ask to be waited on hand and foot, but it'd be nice if there was a little understanding from the wife that I'm already running on empty most days after work so add a cold that has turned into walking pnumonia and I'm pretty much down for the count. But apparently instead this is the week to end the pleasantries and start digging at me and my disease once again. Forget that I hold down a full time job and pay all the household bills. Forget that I do try to assist around the house, do yard work, etc (yes I will admit that when I am really tired it doesn't get done right away, nobody has ever died because the lawn wasn't mowed this week!). Nope, I'm just a bad husband who doesn't pull his weight.
Seriously, I am litterally killing myself at my job to pay for all our major expenses plus vacations and projects (I make good money, but at a cost) when what I really need is a much lower stress job but that doesn't pay. So I'm fuct either way. If I work less or make less then I'm not pulling my weight financially but if I pull my weight financially then I'm not pulling my weight around the house. Damned if I do, damned if I don't
Basically we are co-parents under the same roof, but there is no affection (there really hasn't been from her for almost a decade, about the same time I've either been fighting UC or after my ileostomy). After tonight it sounds like she will be moving forward with moving out once the school year is over. I feel terrible for my kids more than anything else but what can I do?
Anyway, thanks for listening. Not really looking for advice, just needing to put my frustration out somewhere where there might be a person or two who understands