Home From The Hospital, Tribute To My Husband
Well, I made it through my big surgery. My colon "was a mess" but my bladder didn't have as much damage as originally thought. I have to have a foley cath. until Friday and it's been an uncomfortable thing to deal with but I finally see a light at the end of my dark, dark tunnel.
However, what I'd like to spend time talking about now is my wonderful, loving husband. Without him I would never have survived this journey or the mental strain and stress that I've gone through over these 2 years. But it's not just these last two years that have made him shine, it started from the beginning of our relationship and has only grown stronger with each passing year. I'd like to give you a little background.
You see, he's not my first husband, unfortunately. I married right out of high school. Much too young and looking back I think it was more to get out from under my abusive mothers roof. His mother was a wonderful woman and I was ever so happy to become part of their family. I don't blame that marriage for not working out. I was still trying to figure out what kind a person I was or wanted to be and I mentally was a bit of wreck. We divorced after a couple of year, but I still think of him fondly and his mother will forever be an angel in my life.
My second marriage gave me my children and we were together for about 15 years but he was not the person he said he was and his actions lead to me changing my wants or needs in a relationship. Actions speak louder than words, and he was pretty quiet on a few major fronts. I stayed as long as I did because of my children but I had wanted out long before I actually left.
Then I met my now husband. He was a real "go getter", not just all talk. He was a co-worker at the time and we both managed a store at the same time. He was a bit "gruff", a straight shooter, and had a very grounded, well rounded work ethic. He fascinated me. He wasn't big on marriage and was in a relationship when we first began working together but over the first couple of years I noticed that he was a bit of a player and so he wasn't really on my radar for anything other than a work relationship. He eventually leaves the company we worked for and I got promoted and moved out of state so we lost touch for a while.
When we did reconnect it was sparks from the start. We would spend hours catching up on things and I would hate when that time ended. I loved how his brain worked, how he saw things, and wanted to know how he would handle things in life. It was so much more than just a physical attraction with him because I just wanted to experience life with him. We were both very, very honest with each other and I had hard rules for what I wanted out of a relationship by then. So we talked about all those things. His reason for not being big on the marriage wagon, why I stayed in a unfulfilling marriage, what we wanted out of life, all the things that set a solid foundation for what became him being the greatest love of my life (outside my children of course).
I suffer from depression and he was the most supportive during my down times and was able to let me be the free spirit I was during my up times. If I wanted to work, he supported that. If I wanted to stay home and be a house wife, he supported that. For the first time in my life I felt like the world was open to me. It took until my late 30's to reach this, which is kind of sad, but it is what it is. He rushed home to me every night and I excitedly waited for him to be home every day. Not only did I love this man but I LIKED him. He's funny, we are always laughing. The "one word to describe your marriage" was always LAUGHTER for us. He says I'm funny and even my kids say all we do is laugh all the time. His "gruffness" wasn't really there in a personal relationship and if it did show up he was quick to readjust so that it was never an issue. He was smart and I enjoyed experiencing everything with him. Good and bad. He helped me to learn how to handle things, how to see things in a stronger light, and he listened and tried to understand anything and everything that when through my head. He made every dream I ever had come true.
I'll tell you that I didn't really have "big" dreams. I never longed for fame or to be rich, all I every really wanted was to be loved for who I was, all of me, and to love them back. Now I can say it more as I wanted a friend, partner, lover, and confidant all in one man. That is a tall order in reality, so that's why I put "big" in quotes. Its a simple dream to think about but a much harder dream to achieve. Although I believe that my first two husbands loved me (and I them), love wasn't all inclusive. The relationship I wanted was deeper than that. That is still a bit hard for me to explain but I hope you all understand.
I lost my mother when she was 54. A year later my aunt (her sister) died at 59. I have another aunt who died in her 50's on my fathers side so in my early 40's I realized I probably wasn't going to make it out of my 50's and I wasn't far from my 50's. I figured I had about 10 years or so left and I wanted to enjoy the last years of my life and my husband made that come true. I stayed home and took care of him and the house. My kids we basically grown and he was wonderful father figure in their life giving me a great sense of calm in my heart. He took me to do all the things I had never really done, like concerts or fancy places to eat. He actually proposed to me and said he wanted to keep me in his life as long as possible and wished that he had met me long ago to have had even more time with me in his life.
I ventured into a small cookie business from home which has/had done well. (The sicker I got the less focus it got, of course.) He let me indulge my creative side, and create the home I had always wanted. He is supportive in my down times, as well as my sick times, and he's my light during my up/normal times. He's been there for me EVERY SINGLE TIME I have ever needed him. He holds me when I want held and he'll give me distance when I need to be on my own. In return I do anything and everything I can for him and to support him. I often tell him I am his greatest fan because I truly am. I have made sure to tell him often how important and loved he is to me. That I would walk through fire for him.
In this go with all these medical issues he has stayed strong for me and supported me all the way through this. Held me when I wanted to cry, gave me my space when I just couldn't come to grips with everything, He got up early on the days I was in the hospital to spend an hour with me before driving an hour to work. And came to see every evening. We talked all through the day when he had a free minute or two and I never felt like he was gone even though he wasn't physically there.
The day before this last surgery I started a big load of antibiotics that caused my ileostomy too fill up so fast that I basically busted. The mess was horrific and over several rooms. The man rushed home to help me. He called in support at work and locked up and left to get home to me faster. (The other person got there and re-opened a few min. later.) But that shows you (or me) how important I was for him. He helped me get cleaned up and calmed down and we attacked the mess together. It was both horrific and bonding at the same time for me and I will never, ever forget it.
He's given me every single thing I have ever wanted and that is more than just material things. The love and devotion comes through every time we hit a rough spot and I want everyone to know what a wonderful man I have. He deserves so much more than I could ever give him and this is just a little way for me to get that out there in the world. My way of "shouting from the roof tops".
I no longer think I will die in my 50's. I'm turning 53 this year. I don't have the health issues my mother had and with all these tests that have been run I realize that I am healthier than any of the women in my family were at this age. My lungs are pretty good for someone who's smoked for 30+ years. My heart is strong and I never became diabetic even when I was heavier. So I will still consider anything I hit in my 60's to be a blessing but I feel that I will reach that age now. I think a lot of that is because of the wonderful man in my life and my fantastic children and grandchildren.
Thank you again for listening to me.
My head is getting in the right place and I will continue to come here and hopefully I'll be better suited to offer the support I've received. You all have been such a blessing in my time of weakness. Thank you! From my heart!